You know the saying "The straw that broke the camel's back"? Well, my straw was health insurance. I know.......what? It sounds stupid, right? It will sound more stupid when I explain further but that's the whole point of the saying. The camel has this huge load placed on his back that he's enduring, holding steady, being strong. Then a single piece of flimsy yellow straw is added to the pile and he collapses.
SOOOOO.... I grew up poor. I remember when this became "official" to me. I was a teenager and the evening news posted a graphic showing what the annual salary was at poverty level. I realized that the amount was about what my mother was making. It was fine though. No big deal. My family was proper and/or prideful (in a good way- my Ma Me always said that soap is cheap for a reason. In other words - there's no excuse for not presenting yourself well because manners are free:). We always had what we needed and I never really gave it much thought. I started trying to figure out ways to make money at an early age because I like work, I like to accomplish. I actually started earning money at about 11. Occasionally there were kids that wanted to give me a hard time about it but it was rare. I was mostly teased for being tall and skinny. Well......ha!.... you know they all wish that .... ahem..... never mind. You get the idea and it's beside the point. ;) LOL
The poor part was the part of my beginning that matters here. From beginning to marriage I had some ups and downs with relationships - my father, boyfriends, and learning experiences. Then I got married. During my almost 14 year marriage, we've had multiple financial struggles and almost been divorced twice. The second time being right at 7 years ago when we were actually separated for several months. During this time I was emotionally devastated, our two year old daughter was very sick, our son was only a month old when Colin left, and I was running a home daycare. We were also in the midst of financial hardship that was getting worse. God brought us through. It was not easy and it was not fast but that's a story for another time.
For the past seven years we have had unbelievable highs and not so great lows but everything was still alright. We were together, we have our family, our health, our home, our friends, our business, we were blessed. And then IT happened! In December of 2009 I had to cancel our health insurance because we could not make the payments. I then had an anxiety attack in February that came out of nowhere and I didn't understand why. I had been through much worse emotionally. The potential of losing my family was far more devastating than what was happening with our finances. It took me several months to realize that, although I was not conscious of it, dropping our health insurance was the straw that broke the camel's back.
At first I thought it was because I had grown up poor and I ALWAYS had health insurance. I mean, how pathetic for me to be an educated, business owner and not be able to provide health insurance for my children! It really did infuriate me. However, I've recently realized that it's not really about the health insurance, it's more about control. I lost control and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't fix it. In all the circumstances I faced before, there was hope for change and it was alright for it to take some time. I actually did have control over my emotions (which is another revelation for me here). I decided how I needed to feel about things in order to move on. Boundaries and lots of psychological stuff that kept me in control of my emotions but this? I wanted health insurance right now! It was not okay for this to wait! I couldn't change, adjust, or rearrange something to make us have health insurance again. Oh, believe you me, I tried. I've spent the past 9 months working, typing, planning, looking at the computer, spinning ideas in my brain, looking at all the angles, all the numbers, trying to figure out what to do to make enough money. I've not slept through the night consistently in months. My brain is on overdrive and I am exhausted and burned out.
God began working on my heart last Friday and through the weekend. I guess exhaustion and burnout made a way for me to finally be still and listen. I then sat in church on Sunday morning and asked God, "Why is my mind spinning with all these ideas but nothing seems to be working." He said to me plainly "You took control. You are not leaning on Me, you are trusting in yourself." I realized sitting there that I am addicted to control. I believe it can be very much like a chemical addiction but a more silent killer. It is effecting my health, it is effecting my relationships, it is effecting my service to my church and my community, it is effecting my business, and it is hampering my relationship with my Savior because I am not trusting Him to see me through.
This is not a new revelation to me but it's new in this circumstance. God opened my business and it was very literally a miracle from God. Anyone who knows the details of the story can testify that God brought us into this business and I've always given Him glory. Nine months ago I lost sight of the fact that God will sustain us as well. God's Word says that He does not bring us out to take us back again. I've claimed that scripture repeatedly but, apparently, we can take ourselves back. A new level doesn't always mean a new devil, a new challenge, a new struggle to overcome. Sometimes it means a familiar devil, challenge, or struggle that is dressed in new clothes. In my case, it's the thought that I have to be Wonder Woman. That thought tells me that everything is my responsibility so take care of it. This time it was dressed in a business suit and I fell for it.
I've asked God to forgive me. I've actually pleaded several times to God for forgiveness because, you know, folks like me don't understand that it just takes asking once. I am, with God's help, re-prioritizing, praying for and seeking out peace so that I can discern the leading of the Holy Spirit. If I am not at peace, I cannot tell the difference between my emotions and God. When I am at peace it also makes it much easier to deal with people because I can just deal in facts, not emotions. I am delegating responsibilities and there are some things that are just not going to be taken care of as quickly as I would like for them to be (like cleaning up the mess from the bomb that keeps exploding in my house while we are asleep). I thank God for His revelation. I am excited, hopeful, and peaceful about what God has shown me and continues to reveal to me. However I am also dealing with frustration in having to rebuild again. If you don't mind, I would appreciate your prayers. I also pray that maybe someone who may read this someday will realize that you are not alone. That's another lie that comes with my control issue and this blog is contrary to my nature in this struggle. I would like to have all the answers and, frankly, it embarrasses me that I will be 40 years old in 3 years and my finances are a disaster. I expected better of myself. The fact is I'm not perfect, I don't have everything together, and my finances are a mess. However, I have made progress for many years and I refuse to give up. As long as I keep moving forward, I am headed to the finish line. The fact is, even if I had allowed myself to fall all the way back to the beginning, God would still reach out to me and lead me through.
I am humbled by your interest in reading this. Thank you for your time. :)
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
The last post ended, "Everything was wonderful, right? Yes, but..."
The last post ended, "Everything was wonderful, right? Yes, but..."
Well, I had a post written that explained everything that happened next. I may share that someday but for right now, it's not the time. The summary of the post I wrote is that, once again, a couple of well-intentioned people, that we love dearly, began sharing their opinions on what they thought was best for our marriage and our business because we are married. It was opinions, not Biblical principles. This is an important distinction. My initial thoughts were to consider the opinions as being from God. Once I talked to God, I realized they were not from Him and I moved on. The opinions were repeated several times which became confusing and disruptive advice that, frankly, made me mad. My other post focused a lot on the being mad part. It's really okay that I got mad. I think people need to realize that its okay to get mad but the more important point is that I could not stay mad. So I decided to learn. I decided to learn from the experience and learn what, if anything, I'm supposed to do about it. The following paragraph is the conclusion of about 18 months of struggling with my aggravation and searching for peace in what I was supposed to learn.
One thing that I have been learning throughout my walk with God is not to get mad at God for what people do. I've had multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple (you get the point?) opportunities to practice this. This was another one of those times. We are all people and we all screw up, spiritual leaders included. We cannot allow ourselves to put other Christians on such an elevation that their faults shake our faith in God. For me, this is an especially important lesson as it applies to leaders. Although I did not get mad a God specifically, I allowed the anger to settle in and stay for a while. This brought more confusion and more frustration because I really did not know why this was bothering me so badly.
What I realized through all of this is that having grown up without my father around since about age 7, there were things in my emotions that were effected that I had not dealt with. I was determined to believe my parents' divorce did not effect me, I'm Wonder Woman, remember? The fact is that when I need guidance, I still long for a father-figure. This desire causes me to have a tendency to put the opinion of men that I respect before God and what He is speaking to me. I have to learn that God wants to be my father-figure. God IS my Father. I mean, I know this but I need to KNOW this, understand it, remember it at all times, and stay close to Him at all times. I still seek the advise of those that I respect because the Bible says there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. However, it's always very general and I continue pray about what God wants me to do and what God has shown me. I trust and believe that God is not a respecter of persons and He talks to me about my life and business just like He talks to spiritual leaders about their life and ministry. At the moment, I've shelved the idea of having advisers who know the specifics of our business/finances, etc. and I'm concentrating on hearing from God about where to go and what to do. Honestly, it seems to me like this is not as easy as having a human dad/mentor that I could go to and talk to about anything. It seems to me that it's not as easy as having a human dad/mentor that will tell me what he thinks about what I'm dealing with. However, God being perfect and all, I know that when I tune in and listen to His will and His Word, He never gives me bad advice.
Two weeks later......
As usual, I wrote this post and kept it saved as a draft for a while before posting. Since I wrote this post on the revelation that God gave me, doors have opened for me to have conversations with advisers and leaders I respect. We are receiving specific counsel for our business and finances and I am very excited. What I recognized in each of the conversations that I've had so far, I felt no emotion during the conversation. It was business. I did not put myself in a position emotionally or psychologically of being a child talking to a father-figure. I am an adult, I am an entrepreneur and I'm receiving information and insight from another entrepreneur who specializes in a certain field of business. It's business. Period.
I cannot effectively describe in words the release, the freedom this revelation provides. Denying that the past has an effect only prevents us from moving past it. Joyce Meyer talks about "making one more trip around the mountain" for us to learn a lesson. I'm thankful that this is not a mountain I will have to circle any longer. God is so good to me, all the time. :)
Well, I had a post written that explained everything that happened next. I may share that someday but for right now, it's not the time. The summary of the post I wrote is that, once again, a couple of well-intentioned people, that we love dearly, began sharing their opinions on what they thought was best for our marriage and our business because we are married. It was opinions, not Biblical principles. This is an important distinction. My initial thoughts were to consider the opinions as being from God. Once I talked to God, I realized they were not from Him and I moved on. The opinions were repeated several times which became confusing and disruptive advice that, frankly, made me mad. My other post focused a lot on the being mad part. It's really okay that I got mad. I think people need to realize that its okay to get mad but the more important point is that I could not stay mad. So I decided to learn. I decided to learn from the experience and learn what, if anything, I'm supposed to do about it. The following paragraph is the conclusion of about 18 months of struggling with my aggravation and searching for peace in what I was supposed to learn.
One thing that I have been learning throughout my walk with God is not to get mad at God for what people do. I've had multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple (you get the point?) opportunities to practice this. This was another one of those times. We are all people and we all screw up, spiritual leaders included. We cannot allow ourselves to put other Christians on such an elevation that their faults shake our faith in God. For me, this is an especially important lesson as it applies to leaders. Although I did not get mad a God specifically, I allowed the anger to settle in and stay for a while. This brought more confusion and more frustration because I really did not know why this was bothering me so badly.
What I realized through all of this is that having grown up without my father around since about age 7, there were things in my emotions that were effected that I had not dealt with. I was determined to believe my parents' divorce did not effect me, I'm Wonder Woman, remember? The fact is that when I need guidance, I still long for a father-figure. This desire causes me to have a tendency to put the opinion of men that I respect before God and what He is speaking to me. I have to learn that God wants to be my father-figure. God IS my Father. I mean, I know this but I need to KNOW this, understand it, remember it at all times, and stay close to Him at all times. I still seek the advise of those that I respect because the Bible says there is wisdom in a multitude of counselors. However, it's always very general and I continue pray about what God wants me to do and what God has shown me. I trust and believe that God is not a respecter of persons and He talks to me about my life and business just like He talks to spiritual leaders about their life and ministry. At the moment, I've shelved the idea of having advisers who know the specifics of our business/finances, etc. and I'm concentrating on hearing from God about where to go and what to do. Honestly, it seems to me like this is not as easy as having a human dad/mentor that I could go to and talk to about anything. It seems to me that it's not as easy as having a human dad/mentor that will tell me what he thinks about what I'm dealing with. However, God being perfect and all, I know that when I tune in and listen to His will and His Word, He never gives me bad advice.
Two weeks later......
As usual, I wrote this post and kept it saved as a draft for a while before posting. Since I wrote this post on the revelation that God gave me, doors have opened for me to have conversations with advisers and leaders I respect. We are receiving specific counsel for our business and finances and I am very excited. What I recognized in each of the conversations that I've had so far, I felt no emotion during the conversation. It was business. I did not put myself in a position emotionally or psychologically of being a child talking to a father-figure. I am an adult, I am an entrepreneur and I'm receiving information and insight from another entrepreneur who specializes in a certain field of business. It's business. Period.
I cannot effectively describe in words the release, the freedom this revelation provides. Denying that the past has an effect only prevents us from moving past it. Joyce Meyer talks about "making one more trip around the mountain" for us to learn a lesson. I'm thankful that this is not a mountain I will have to circle any longer. God is so good to me, all the time. :)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Realizing You're Different
So, every superhero has to come to terms with being different. You've known this all your life but there come points of struggle to be "normal". No one understands and conventional thinking just doesn't seem to fit. Something must be wrong with me. During this struggle, the realization that you are a superhero sets in. With it is the realization that "normal" is not just difficult but impossible for you. There is a sense of relief and dread at the same time. My first point of struggling came when I got married.
For me, I always knew I was different. I have a strong personality, I can be mouthy, I'm above average in height, an "over-achiever", not afraid to take charge, and also not afraid to have fun. As a woman, this presents problems on multiple levels, especially once you get married. You see, I was good with who I was. Completely comfortable in my own skin. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to conquor the world for Christ in whatever way He saw fit. I wanted to have a wonderful marriage and be an awesome wife. I wanted to be a great mother to my kids. I was excited about being me and I think God was good with that. I will also add that Superman was good with that too.
Once we were approaching marriage & then were married, well intentioned people in the church stepped in to inform us that we were not doing the roles of marriage correctly. So began a 7 year struggle of Superman & myself, Wonder Woman, trying to be people that God did not create us to be.
After almost getting divorced in our 7th year of marriage, Superman & I, with God's helped, realized that we were listening to people instead of listening to Him. He showed us that He is a very creative God. He created each of us and did not make any mistakes in how we were created. God being the awesome God that He is, brought us together because we balance each other. Becoming "one flesh" is about Superman & I, through revelation from GOD, learning our strengths and weaknesses and working together as a team. How our marriage works is going to be completely different than how someone else's works and God is totally cool with that. We are too.
So, we came to this revelation, our marriage was spared, and we have been growing closer every year. Superman was blessed tremendously in his sales position and God opened doors for me to start the business of my dreams. We made it, right? Things are going wonderfully! Yes! But......
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Introduction - A Family of Super Heros
Allow me to introduce myself and my family. I am Wonder Woman, my husband is Superman/Clark Kent, and we have two children whose superhero identities are undetermined at the moment.
A little about me, Wonder Woman. To be perfectly honest, I cannot remember anything about her characteristics in the shows. I just remember she was my childhood hero, I loved her cool outfit, and she kicked butt. My super powers are love, being level-headed, creativity, planning, common-sense, passion and compassion, counselor, taking charge, and running the world (at least my world) even when I do not want this responsibility. I do not believe my powers come from me, I believe they are gifts from God given to me for a purpose. I know that part of my ultimate purpose is to be the wife and mother that God wants me to be. The rest of my purpose is something that has been coming in stages or, rather, in seasons in my life. I've been many things to/for many people and now I am searching for the rest of my ultimate purpose. Maybe for me that is to remain ever-changing to meet the needs of the world around me. If so, I think that would be another super power.
Now meet my husband of thirteen years, Superman/Clark Kent. I always wanted Wonder Woman and Superman to be married so this works out perfectly! As Clark Kent, my husband is a mild mannered guy, pretty passive, easy-going. He's not stuffy like Clark Kent, although he's trying to get that way as he get older. He is usually fun-loving, funny, he takes life as it comes. Doesn't get worked up about, well, anything really, to him, "everything will be okay". Superman comes into the picture in two forms. The first is when he is caring for his parents, especially his mother. Superman has had an enormous amount of responsibility taking care of his mother in her deteriorating health condition since he was young. Throughout high school he had to watch over her while his father traveled for work and this continues to this day. Superman worries about his mother a lot but his powers are limited in helping her since the ultimate decisions for her care come from his father. Here his strength of caring can become a weakness as it wears on his mind. How do you turn off worrying about your mother who's health is slowly slipping? It is not possible.
Superman also makes appearances as an adrenaline rush. When important things need to get done, Superman flies onto the scene at the last minute to make everything okay. He is great at this style of entrance and, for the most part, things always work out in the end. I know it sounds like I'm talking about the comicbook/movie character but I am actually talking about my husband. Did you see in my introduction of myself that Wonder Woman is a planner? Have you noticed in Superman movies that there is damage that is done before Superman arrives to save the day? Well, in real life that damage has to be cleaned up. Wonder Woman does not enjoy cleaning and would rather avoid the situations all together. Meanwhile Clark Kent thinks everything will be okay and Superman will fly in to fix things when it's necessary. Do you see why my life is such an adventure? :)
So, Superman has one weakness, right? Kryptonite. Well, I'm going to give Wonder Woman the same weakness, however it's not the presence of it that causes us problems, it's the absence of it. "It" is money. Now, before you go get all religious on me about how "the love of money is the root of all evil", I'm not saying it would solve all of our problems. I'm also not saying that I can't live without it. I'm just saying having it would help but that is a story for another time.
A little about me, Wonder Woman. To be perfectly honest, I cannot remember anything about her characteristics in the shows. I just remember she was my childhood hero, I loved her cool outfit, and she kicked butt. My super powers are love, being level-headed, creativity, planning, common-sense, passion and compassion, counselor, taking charge, and running the world (at least my world) even when I do not want this responsibility. I do not believe my powers come from me, I believe they are gifts from God given to me for a purpose. I know that part of my ultimate purpose is to be the wife and mother that God wants me to be. The rest of my purpose is something that has been coming in stages or, rather, in seasons in my life. I've been many things to/for many people and now I am searching for the rest of my ultimate purpose. Maybe for me that is to remain ever-changing to meet the needs of the world around me. If so, I think that would be another super power.
Now meet my husband of thirteen years, Superman/Clark Kent. I always wanted Wonder Woman and Superman to be married so this works out perfectly! As Clark Kent, my husband is a mild mannered guy, pretty passive, easy-going. He's not stuffy like Clark Kent, although he's trying to get that way as he get older. He is usually fun-loving, funny, he takes life as it comes. Doesn't get worked up about, well, anything really, to him, "everything will be okay". Superman comes into the picture in two forms. The first is when he is caring for his parents, especially his mother. Superman has had an enormous amount of responsibility taking care of his mother in her deteriorating health condition since he was young. Throughout high school he had to watch over her while his father traveled for work and this continues to this day. Superman worries about his mother a lot but his powers are limited in helping her since the ultimate decisions for her care come from his father. Here his strength of caring can become a weakness as it wears on his mind. How do you turn off worrying about your mother who's health is slowly slipping? It is not possible.
Superman also makes appearances as an adrenaline rush. When important things need to get done, Superman flies onto the scene at the last minute to make everything okay. He is great at this style of entrance and, for the most part, things always work out in the end. I know it sounds like I'm talking about the comicbook/movie character but I am actually talking about my husband. Did you see in my introduction of myself that Wonder Woman is a planner? Have you noticed in Superman movies that there is damage that is done before Superman arrives to save the day? Well, in real life that damage has to be cleaned up. Wonder Woman does not enjoy cleaning and would rather avoid the situations all together. Meanwhile Clark Kent thinks everything will be okay and Superman will fly in to fix things when it's necessary. Do you see why my life is such an adventure? :)
So, Superman has one weakness, right? Kryptonite. Well, I'm going to give Wonder Woman the same weakness, however it's not the presence of it that causes us problems, it's the absence of it. "It" is money. Now, before you go get all religious on me about how "the love of money is the root of all evil", I'm not saying it would solve all of our problems. I'm also not saying that I can't live without it. I'm just saying having it would help but that is a story for another time.
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