You know the saying "The straw that broke the camel's back"? Well, my straw was health insurance. I know.......what? It sounds stupid, right? It will sound more stupid when I explain further but that's the whole point of the saying. The camel has this huge load placed on his back that he's enduring, holding steady, being strong. Then a single piece of flimsy yellow straw is added to the pile and he collapses.
SOOOOO.... I grew up poor. I remember when this became "official" to me. I was a teenager and the evening news posted a graphic showing what the annual salary was at poverty level. I realized that the amount was about what my mother was making. It was fine though. No big deal. My family was proper and/or prideful (in a good way- my Ma Me always said that soap is cheap for a reason. In other words - there's no excuse for not presenting yourself well because manners are free:). We always had what we needed and I never really gave it much thought. I started trying to figure out ways to make money at an early age because I like work, I like to accomplish. I actually started earning money at about 11. Occasionally there were kids that wanted to give me a hard time about it but it was rare. I was mostly teased for being tall and skinny. Well......ha!.... you know they all wish that .... ahem..... never mind. You get the idea and it's beside the point. ;) LOL
The poor part was the part of my beginning that matters here. From beginning to marriage I had some ups and downs with relationships - my father, boyfriends, and learning experiences. Then I got married. During my almost 14 year marriage, we've had multiple financial struggles and almost been divorced twice. The second time being right at 7 years ago when we were actually separated for several months. During this time I was emotionally devastated, our two year old daughter was very sick, our son was only a month old when Colin left, and I was running a home daycare. We were also in the midst of financial hardship that was getting worse. God brought us through. It was not easy and it was not fast but that's a story for another time.
For the past seven years we have had unbelievable highs and not so great lows but everything was still alright. We were together, we have our family, our health, our home, our friends, our business, we were blessed. And then IT happened! In December of 2009 I had to cancel our health insurance because we could not make the payments. I then had an anxiety attack in February that came out of nowhere and I didn't understand why. I had been through much worse emotionally. The potential of losing my family was far more devastating than what was happening with our finances. It took me several months to realize that, although I was not conscious of it, dropping our health insurance was the straw that broke the camel's back.
At first I thought it was because I had grown up poor and I ALWAYS had health insurance. I mean, how pathetic for me to be an educated, business owner and not be able to provide health insurance for my children! It really did infuriate me. However, I've recently realized that it's not really about the health insurance, it's more about control. I lost control and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't fix it. In all the circumstances I faced before, there was hope for change and it was alright for it to take some time. I actually did have control over my emotions (which is another revelation for me here). I decided how I needed to feel about things in order to move on. Boundaries and lots of psychological stuff that kept me in control of my emotions but this? I wanted health insurance right now! It was not okay for this to wait! I couldn't change, adjust, or rearrange something to make us have health insurance again. Oh, believe you me, I tried. I've spent the past 9 months working, typing, planning, looking at the computer, spinning ideas in my brain, looking at all the angles, all the numbers, trying to figure out what to do to make enough money. I've not slept through the night consistently in months. My brain is on overdrive and I am exhausted and burned out.
God began working on my heart last Friday and through the weekend. I guess exhaustion and burnout made a way for me to finally be still and listen. I then sat in church on Sunday morning and asked God, "Why is my mind spinning with all these ideas but nothing seems to be working." He said to me plainly "You took control. You are not leaning on Me, you are trusting in yourself." I realized sitting there that I am addicted to control. I believe it can be very much like a chemical addiction but a more silent killer. It is effecting my health, it is effecting my relationships, it is effecting my service to my church and my community, it is effecting my business, and it is hampering my relationship with my Savior because I am not trusting Him to see me through.
This is not a new revelation to me but it's new in this circumstance. God opened my business and it was very literally a miracle from God. Anyone who knows the details of the story can testify that God brought us into this business and I've always given Him glory. Nine months ago I lost sight of the fact that God will sustain us as well. God's Word says that He does not bring us out to take us back again. I've claimed that scripture repeatedly but, apparently, we can take ourselves back. A new level doesn't always mean a new devil, a new challenge, a new struggle to overcome. Sometimes it means a familiar devil, challenge, or struggle that is dressed in new clothes. In my case, it's the thought that I have to be Wonder Woman. That thought tells me that everything is my responsibility so take care of it. This time it was dressed in a business suit and I fell for it.
I've asked God to forgive me. I've actually pleaded several times to God for forgiveness because, you know, folks like me don't understand that it just takes asking once. I am, with God's help, re-prioritizing, praying for and seeking out peace so that I can discern the leading of the Holy Spirit. If I am not at peace, I cannot tell the difference between my emotions and God. When I am at peace it also makes it much easier to deal with people because I can just deal in facts, not emotions. I am delegating responsibilities and there are some things that are just not going to be taken care of as quickly as I would like for them to be (like cleaning up the mess from the bomb that keeps exploding in my house while we are asleep). I thank God for His revelation. I am excited, hopeful, and peaceful about what God has shown me and continues to reveal to me. However I am also dealing with frustration in having to rebuild again. If you don't mind, I would appreciate your prayers. I also pray that maybe someone who may read this someday will realize that you are not alone. That's another lie that comes with my control issue and this blog is contrary to my nature in this struggle. I would like to have all the answers and, frankly, it embarrasses me that I will be 40 years old in 3 years and my finances are a disaster. I expected better of myself. The fact is I'm not perfect, I don't have everything together, and my finances are a mess. However, I have made progress for many years and I refuse to give up. As long as I keep moving forward, I am headed to the finish line. The fact is, even if I had allowed myself to fall all the way back to the beginning, God would still reach out to me and lead me through.
I am humbled by your interest in reading this. Thank you for your time. :)
